Deception + Debt

Let me preface this by saying that the girl I am going to write about is not the girl I am today. I have been on the path of healing for a while now and thank God I am better each day. Now, let's go back, back to 4 years ago. Things were "good" ish. My husband and I renewed our vows and celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary. We bought our little townhouse and we were both working. What else could I ask for?

Shortly after our wedding anniversary my husband confessed to having an affair. This was the most painful, confusing, difficult thing (to date) that I had ever heard. I was in actual physical pain. I didn't think that hearing something could actually cause me to have physical pain. It was excruciating, nauseating, blinding pain. I cried.... I cried and cried some more. I was so hurt and confused. The hurt turned to anger then shame and lastly a feeling of not being good enough. I thought my husbands affair was my fault. I wasn't a good enough wife. I wasn't pretty enough. If only I had been a better wife this would not have happened. So, on top of the burden of an affair I took on the entire burden of "fault".

I began a journey (the wrong one) of buying things to make myself good enough. I bought better skincare. I got highlights. Lash extensions. Nice clothes. Nicer clothes. I swiped.......and swiped and swiped.... fast forward 2 years later and I was standing on a giant pile of debt. GIANT. I was drowning in debt and none of the things I bought made me feel better. I was actually more empty inside than I ever was. More confused. More lonely. All the bloggers that I follow seem so happy with all their stuff. Why don't I feel it? Listen, I am a women of faith and I believe in God and I pray BUT I didn't understand. I didn't understand that He can take away pain. He can bring peace and joy. He CAN. I didn't know that this affair wasn't about me. It wasn't my fault. I AM ENOUGH. I AM WORTHY. No matter what. I began to search for a different method of healing. The first step was: Knowing it was not my fault.

The title of this post is Deception + Debt. The deception was I wasn't good enough. The deception lead me to overspend. God made me on purpose and for a purpose. It took me 2 years of this mess to realize that stuff doesn't make me. People don't make me. God made me for something special! He made me for something BIG. Here I am with a mountain of debt but I have a plan. I am on a journey of healing and self love. My debt free journey will not be an easy one but I will fight through it. My journey isn't over. The story isn't over. The chapter of deception and debt has ended. New chapter is mine and I get to name it whatever I want. Thank you for stopping by friend.